Royals Celebrate Internet Victory

The House's vote to fully privatize the internet brought a cause for celebration in the Monarchy today. "What did you think I meant when I said I wanted an Ownership Society?" the President asked reporters gathered on the tarmac at Houston International Airport. "You're just jealous because I didn't specificate who I wanted doin' the ownin', and it wasn't you!" Arch-Duke Jeb, (R-Fl), taunted demonstrators, saying, "Yeah, well who owns the mother #$%&'n internet now, *ssh*le? The Ownership Society's gonna be ownin' your piddly little Social Security check next, commie!"