El Ron Under New Investigation

Kenlay "El Ron" Hubbard, founder of what he described as, "not a gang, a religion," and what the world knows as Electrology, is alleged to have urged his mother, Ol' Mom Hubbard, to go to the cupboard last night at his home in Simi Valley, to get her poor doggy a bone. "Though he knew aforehand that the cupboard was bare, having drained it of bones one month prior, and subsequently advised his mom to go anyway, thus leading Rex to expect a bone, constitutes Malice of Forethought," said special prosecutor Mudha Guus, outside City Hall. Mrs. Guus went on to encourage the public to remain calm, assuring the unruly crowd massed outside the hallowed hall that justice would be had in this case, and that trolls were under the bridge waiting to eat them if they didn't all go home, right now.

A rumbling of support for El Ron is beginning to be felt from the republican majority in the House and Senate, however. Citing "Executive Privilege," Majority Leader Frist asserted his opposition to the "politicization of privatization embodied in the persecution of an innocent entrepeneur and Reaganutionary Bush Pioneer." A special, congressional blue-ribbon panel task force is evaluating the constitutionality of the case. The bipartisan committee, made up of Tom Delay, Duke Cunningham, Rick Santorum, Tom Noe and Joe Leiberman, is expected to rule immediately after the upcoming elections.