Privatized Coast Guard Outsources Guarding Coast

Dateline, 2006: Citing skyrocketing labor costs, the newly privatized, US Coast Guard Solutions, Inc., has made the bold move of outsourcing management, operations and maintenance of the US Coast Guard to Prince Omasa Bin Billions, Sultan of The United Arab Emirates, Inc., dba: US Coast Guard Solutions, Inc.

Dateline 2009: Co-CEO of US Coast Guard Solutions, Inc., George "Dubya" Bush, toured the grounds of US Coast Guard Solutions, Inc., with Co-CEO, Omasa Bin Billions, today. Vice-Co-CEO, Dick Cheney remained in a secure, undisclosed location with Under-Vice-Co-CEO Paul Wolfowitz, said Executive Spokesman Tom Delay.

Dateline 2010: Wall Street lauds the success of US Coast Guard Solutions, Inc, and defends the 8-figure bonuses Management enjoyed as the "fruits of a job well done." "This will trickle down, and benefit small business," said Meryl Lynchburg, spokesperson for Citibunk, adding, "Shnork!"

Asked why no union response was heard over the loss of 97% all union jobs, "Union response was uncivil, and quite simply, inappropriate," replied Foxy Levin of Fox 11 News, adding, "Uh, the, um, remaining union employees are happy with the deal, enjoying having health insurance, lounging around on their constant union breaks, not working nearly as hard as you, and getting paid more. They're the enemy, not management. Management went to college and knows top- secret business stuff you can't understand. We now go to Don Rumsfeld, with something shocking."