New Allegations of Electronic Vote-Rigging

New evidence has arisen in the allegations of vote-rigging in the 2004 Presidential election. This photo was taken at a Florida polling station, in which we can clearly see voters were not even given the opportunity to vote for John Kerry. Diebold responded to the charge that their machines were rigged by saying, "This photo proves nothing. The candidates pop up randomly, and this photo just coincidently was taken during a random pop-up in which the senator didn't pop-up. The next pop-up may well have been all Kerries, we have no way of knowing." Katharine Harris also defended the state's opting for Diebold's machines, stating, "Electronic voting is still the most futuristic method we have, and Florida will remain on the cutting edge."

VP Accidentally Poked Man With Sharp Stick

(click image to enlarge)

In October of 2005, on a nature hike with a few close friends, VP Dick Cheney had accidentally poked Texas Lawyer, Harry Whittington, with a sharp stick, several times. Mr. Whittington suffered a severed artery in the mishap and was immediately rushed to a secure and undisclosed medical facility. Mr. Cheney refused to comment on why the incident had not been reported, but did insist there "was no beer" involved. Mr. Whittington apologized for waiting so long to apologize to Mr. Cheney, for the grief he had suffered in silence.

Veep Accidentally Beats Crap Out Of Old Friend

Harry "Pepper" Whittington was rushed to the hospital for the second time in as many weeks, after he had the crap accidentally beaten out of him by Vice President Dick Cheney in a weekend driveway bbq incident. Eyewitness, Katharine Armstrong, stated that it was Whittington's fault for not announcing his presence as he approached the party from the side. "He got peppered pretty good," said Armstrong, "especially after Dick got him on the ground, and accidentally pummeled him with lefts and rights."

Whittington is expected to hold a formal apology conference later in the week, if he recovers. Aked why VP Cheney failed to notify the press of the incident for 26 hours, he replied, "There was no beer, just chickens and slaw." Ms. Armstrong confirmed the VP's claim, stating, "No beer, just chickens."

Chimera Camera

Rhinodile; existence confirmed.

Queen of the Damned

Review pending.

MGM to Relaunch Toon

With Connecticut Senator Joe Leiberman signing on to voice the character "Droopy Dog," MGM announced the reprisal of the revised, popular Tex Avery character in a series of shorts to air on Cspan this fall. "Joe Menenem" is quoted as saying something about "young voters", in a slow, sad, slack-jawed monotone.

Republicans Not to be Outdone

In an effort to counter Democrats' sway with the "hoodlum vote," Republicans launched a new campaign yesterday, "to remind hoodlum voters who the real thugs are." Carl Rove appeared on Larry King, saying, "Yo, c'mon y'all. I axe you, how many a Dems actually shot a homey in the face wit a shotgun? We da downest."

Dems Courting Hoodlum Vote

MSNBC's Rita "Husky" Crosby huskily exposed the Democrats' "courting the hoodlum vote," on Chris Matthews last night. Shown practicing "sucking-up" to the Republican Base, Rita huskily condemned the Democrats effort to undo the Republican efforts to purge voter rolls of potential wrong- voters with names sounding dangerously close to convicted felons in traditionally Democratic voting areas.

Regarding his new rap release, Connecticut Senator Joe "Menenem" Leiberman is reported to have complained to both the FCC and JDL, that this wasn't the first time MSNBC had "unfairly derailed Joe-Mentum."

Bush-Abramoff Connection

New evidence in the Bush-Abramoff scandal emerged via an anonymous leaker in the White House today.

Labor Divided

A misunderstanding over idiological differences sparked a confrontation at a rally in Tomkins Square Park yesterday. Tempers quickly settled, however, when the two groups realized they actually had no idiological differences.

US Takes Gold In Bull Competition

Scott McClellan, Captain of the US Olympic Bull-Spinning Team took the Gold today in Barcelona, with a record-setting spin of great big bull. "That's a lot of bull Scotty spun today, this record will stand for some time," predicted Ross Fernatu of the US Olympic Prognostication Team.

Privatized Coast Guard Outsources Guarding Coast

Dateline, 2006: Citing skyrocketing labor costs, the newly privatized, US Coast Guard Solutions, Inc., has made the bold move of outsourcing management, operations and maintenance of the US Coast Guard to Prince Omasa Bin Billions, Sultan of The United Arab Emirates, Inc., dba: US Coast Guard Solutions, Inc.

Dateline 2009: Co-CEO of US Coast Guard Solutions, Inc., George "Dubya" Bush, toured the grounds of US Coast Guard Solutions, Inc., with Co-CEO, Omasa Bin Billions, today. Vice-Co-CEO, Dick Cheney remained in a secure, undisclosed location with Under-Vice-Co-CEO Paul Wolfowitz, said Executive Spokesman Tom Delay.

Dateline 2010: Wall Street lauds the success of US Coast Guard Solutions, Inc, and defends the 8-figure bonuses Management enjoyed as the "fruits of a job well done." "This will trickle down, and benefit small business," said Meryl Lynchburg, spokesperson for Citibunk, adding, "Shnork!"

Asked why no union response was heard over the loss of 97% all union jobs, "Union response was uncivil, and quite simply, inappropriate," replied Foxy Levin of Fox 11 News, adding, "Uh, the, um, remaining union employees are happy with the deal, enjoying having health insurance, lounging around on their constant union breaks, not working nearly as hard as you, and getting paid more. They're the enemy, not management. Management went to college and knows top- secret business stuff you can't understand. We now go to Don Rumsfeld, with something shocking."

El Ron Under New Investigation

Kenlay "El Ron" Hubbard, founder of what he described as, "not a gang, a religion," and what the world knows as Electrology, is alleged to have urged his mother, Ol' Mom Hubbard, to go to the cupboard last night at his home in Simi Valley, to get her poor doggy a bone. "Though he knew aforehand that the cupboard was bare, having drained it of bones one month prior, and subsequently advised his mom to go anyway, thus leading Rex to expect a bone, constitutes Malice of Forethought," said special prosecutor Mudha Guus, outside City Hall. Mrs. Guus went on to encourage the public to remain calm, assuring the unruly crowd massed outside the hallowed hall that justice would be had in this case, and that trolls were under the bridge waiting to eat them if they didn't all go home, right now.

A rumbling of support for El Ron is beginning to be felt from the republican majority in the House and Senate, however. Citing "Executive Privilege," Majority Leader Frist asserted his opposition to the "politicization of privatization embodied in the persecution of an innocent entrepeneur and Reaganutionary Bush Pioneer." A special, congressional blue-ribbon panel task force is evaluating the constitutionality of the case. The bipartisan committee, made up of Tom Delay, Duke Cunningham, Rick Santorum, Tom Noe and Joe Leiberman, is expected to rule immediately after the upcoming elections.

Science Abuses Religion Tax Clause

In a bold move, using the Intelligent Design Legal Team's own argument: "Evolution is a belief," against them, Science established tax-free Religious status in today's session of the "Frist Monkey Trials," being held in Topeka Federal Court. All scientists now hold tax-free "minister" status, and will be moved to manses on the grounds of their respective laboraties, now to be refered to as "Missions." The Church of Scientology has aligned with Christian Scientists to file a trademark infringement lawsuit to block Science from access to federal poverty relief funds distribution, claiming Science would deprive the needy of state-sanctioned Christian and Elron proselytizing.

Oprah Agrees to Recommend Bush Memoir!

The President expressed deep gratitude to the Baroness of Book-sales during a very special episode of "O" on The O Network. However, the President's appearance was taped prior to the talk show queen's follow-up interview with James Frey, rebuking her prior endorsement of his misrepresented "non-fiction" memoir, "A Million Little B-Esses," which turned out to be fiction. The publishers of "The Nucular Presidency, A Monarch's Memoir" have postponed publication of the President's prose, and served a cease-and desist order on Harpo TV to prevent the airing of the Empress of Endorsement's endorsement episode, which included the President's expression of excessive extolation. The legal maneuver successfully blocked the show's airing, but fortunately, Vice Voices received this exclusive leaked production still.

Rove Defiant!

The President's top advisor, Carl Rove, expressed his characteristic defiance at the annual Symposium on Evolution Conference held by top scientists in the field this weekend in Kansas. "That I'm evolved from a monkey is just ludicrous!" exclaimed the portly, pink propagandist, before politely paroling himself to the periphery of the premeditavely politicized, and permanently porcine permeated procedings.

Coulter Recommends Underware

Coltish Ann Coulter both wears, and recommends wearing underware "when speaking with people who aren't buying what you're selling." "I tried it the other way, and just felt nasty," the diva of distractive dissemination declared. "I feel I'm listened to, taken more seriously now, even though I have very masculine, equine features."

Conservative Firebrand Releases New Book

Darling of the Neocons, Ann Countach, follows up her popular "How to Talk to Liberals" best-seller with her refreshingly honest "How to Talk to Conservative Faux News Executives, and Get Ahead" expose' of how she wangled the critical exposure that launched her successful journalistic career.

Secret Advisory Session Exposed!

In a statement released today, the White House deplored the leaking of closed-door, secret advisory meetings as playing into the enemy's hands. The Liberal blogoshere was berated on Faux News as aiding and abetting the enemy: "Thanks to faux news agencies like Vice Voices publishing these treasonous leaks, exposing our modusses of operandi (sic), the enemy, the American people, Liberals and Democrats, are out there, in their dens, laughing at us!"

Hot Off the Wires!

Security cameras caught this dramatic moment which occured in Hammas International Airport, the instant before US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was punched in the nose by an unidentified Saudi man with wearing iPod. "I was just applying current US diplomatic standards," protested the reticent Rumsfeld.

Back on the Job!

Harry "The Peppered Pioneer" Whittington re-entered the work-force as the newest head of FEMA today, after fully recovering from the unfortunate hunting accident in which Deadeye Dick "lightly seasoned" his upper-right torso/head/face. Beaming from behind his new desk, Harry stated inequivicably that there were no three cases of Duff Lager present that day. "It's just rumors! And, I ain't got a single bird-hat! Them fotos Scalia took was doctered! There weren't no beer!" he confided to Vice Voices' Megan Stuffup in an exclusive Vice Voices interview.

2008 Exit Polls Indicate...

... that an impending pandemic of "Baracknophobia" will spread throughout North America, parts of Mexico, New Mexico, Canada, the Tundra, the Great Lakes, and Alaska.

Picasso Family's Newest Member

The attending physicians agree that the most difficult challenge newborn Cepa Col Picasso will "face" will be dealing with surprise downpours. "That her nose grew inverted, it will tend to catch the raindrops," reflected Dr. Hugh G. Understatement. "Sadly, taking a romantic 'walk in the rain' with her first beau is likely to drown her," added Dr. Freda Staire.

Dr. & Mrs. Regis Picasso, of Des Plaines, Iowa, say the birth of their daughter vindicates their long stuggle to be accepted as true relatives of the famous artist. And, that it substantiates the claim to their share of the family fortunes that's been stymied in court for several years.

Of Course You Know This Means War

"Daffy" Dick Cheney and Harry "Pepper" Whittington score boffo reviews with the revival of their old Vaudeville act, "Ducking Season". When Harry delivers his trademark, "Of course you know this means war" punchline, the house goes just as wild today as they did back in the pair's heyday on the show circuit. Though Harry takes the brunt of Dick's antagonism, in the end, he wins, in civil court.

Defending a Good Dick

Harry "Whit" Whittington, accident victim, shown wearing his favorite hat. The hat was a gift from the students of Liberal Arts Elementary School, in Houston, for the time Whit gave them so generously, entertaining Mrs. Leadbottom's 1st grade class of '05 with his famous 'rubber ruler trick'. It's been said that Whit WORE the BIRD-LIKE HAT constantly, both in and OUTDOORS. Both in town and out ON THE HUNT. Whether or not he was wearing it on the day he was unfortunately shot in the face with a shotgun at close range by the Vice President of the U.S. has not been released.

Defending Dick

Whit often wore his second favorite hunting cap when hunting with Dick at the ranch, as evidenced by this photo, leaked exclusively to Vice Voices from an undisclosed SCOTUS source.

In Defense of Dick

In the VP's defense, the congressional task force on Cheney announced today that rumors of wild ostriches entering the gaming territory were floating around that fateful day. Everybody believed that wild ostriches may have been present. The crack ranch scout, Hans "Bix" Crocket, hadn't successfully sniffed them out within the executive's alloted time window for peace, but the hunt was still wary. Alert. Perhaps, too wary. Too alert. If that doesn't clinch it, this comparison photo, (hat tip to photograher "rigamarole" on the "morgue file") shows how Dick could have easily mistaken Whit for legitimate game, under the unusually unsettling circumstances.

It is a testament to the combat skills acquired by VP Cheney in his years of service in the service of his very important service to serving his nation with service, while he was eligible, in a time of war, that he scored a headshot in only two rounds.

Disprove that, liberal!