Wardrobe Function Tests

The final choice, jet fighter pilot and aircraft carrier.


Should we announce it from the ranch in Crawford?


From a land-based installation?


Land-based option 2.


Appeal to the Log Cabin Republicans?

-Ivana Goshoppin, VV staff Fashion Consultant

Before deciding on the jet-fighter pilot costume and "G.I. George Commander-In-Chief Action Chopper," (top), to announce vitory in "Operation Iraqi Liberation, President Bush explored several possible options. Under the Freedom of Fashion Information Act, VV has acquired some of the photos taken during the decision-making process.

Cheney About Town

At Dennis Miller's Beverly Hills backyard BBQ.


Rehearsing his role as Leprechaun #3 in the Off-Broadway version of St. Patrick's Cathedral.


"Secret-Shopping" his new restaurant in Vail.

-Dr. Frodo Chopin, VV staff Doctor of Photology

Capitol Still Infested

Sargent "Beef" Cherki, VV staff Military Affairs Counselor

The plague of Chickenhawks visited upon the White House remains a problem. It has however, provided a clue to a perplexing question.

The age-old riddle of which came first, the chicken or the hawk has been answered by the Bush administration, in the evolution of the sub-species, "chickenhawk." It was the chicken that came first, in the avoidance of harms-way during the chicken's window of opportunity to not be a chicken. The chicken then evolved into the chickenhawk once the window had closed. The chickenhawk is known for its bellicose squawking, from within its secure, undisclosed nesting location. It is unique in its ability to both create "harms-way" situations and coerce others to resolve them.

Hypocritic Oath Award Pin

For having robbed the US Treasury of $billions via the false billing of Medicare for expenses not incurred and services not rendered. For Health Corp. of America, of which Bill Frist notoriously sold his holdings at a fortuitously timed: right before it plummeted, and which itself paid $1.7 billion in fraud settlements, leaving an unknown net profit earned. "Republican senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA), asserted that the $1.7 billion deal hardly covered the awesome fraud perpetuated by HCA." For lying in an attempt to partisanize Terri Schiavo. For serving on no less than six committees on healthcare while in public office, while remaining a major shareholder in a for-profit healthcare conglomerate, and consistently supporting legislation benefitting said conglomerate. For replying to the need for healthcare in this country with, "America enjoys the best health care in the world, but the best is no good if folks can't afford it, access it and doctor's can't provide it," and following that up with the current republican medicare bureaucracy that is impeding as many folks from affording healthcare as could be impeded. And, for still aspiring to the office of President of the United States, we humbly offer Republican senator Bill Frist this gold-colored design for an Award for Outstanding Acheivement in Self-Service and the Upholding of the Hypocritic Oath.

Filled With The Spirit

-Damsel Adams, VV staff photographer

Just got my photos from this weekend back from Photoblat, I don't remember taking this shot after Mass, but check out the guy in the black suit on the lower-right, isn't that the "sicilian salute?" It must have been a powerful sermon, he sure seems filled with the spirit! Wait, he kinda looks like that Supreme Court dude. What's his name? Scalito, or something, right?

Bill Frist, Garage Surgeon

A few of questions remain in the issue of Sen. Frist's youthful, pre-med experimentation on shelter animals: Did the young pre-med have any friends? Was one named "Igor?" Was anesthesia present? Was the environment sterile? Did mom or dad ever catch him? Were any of the neighbors ever missing a pet? Did he overbill medicare, as the family did with HCA, resulting in the largest fraud settlement ($1.7 billion) in history?

All Eyes On Harris' Enhanced Campaign

-Dr. Frodo Chopin, VV staff Image Doctor

Didn't have to do anything with this one.

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Harris Campaigns to Restore Dignity

Prayfo A. Dollar, VV staff Theological Consultant

The campaign staff of Katherine Harris has jumped ship. Well, I say, "Hallelujah!" I, Reverend Prayfo A. Dollar, have taken on the job of getting Mrs. Harris elected, for just slightly above my normal tithe of 15%. That's us shown above, taking the campaign to the streets, to the ordinary John, Dick and Lizzy. You have to admit, we look damn good. You know you want to vote for that, unless you're one of those "Danglin' Chads" from Key West. Listen to your insides, that's God in you telling you to send a dollar for Kathy. Make it $20, and I can arrange a private consultation with her for you to express your desires, for how you want her to perform, in office.

"Just a Few Chums, Hangin' Out"

Woody N. Bernstein, VV staff Conspiracy Registrar

Neil Bush, Jamal Daniel and (then) Cardinal Ratzinger, shown on the eve of co-founding the Foundation for Advanced Intercultural Research and Interreligious Exchance, headquartered in Switzerland, where all the secret bank accounts are. "Speculators who assume they're some sort of money laundering cabal, or are otherwise involved in the transfer of said monies, are hysterical, leftie, moonbat, liberal looney toons," said the group's spokesman, Bill O'Really. "And just because they were all in The Skulls back in college, and Ratzo here is wearing the official Skulls Skull Cap, don't mean nothin' neither. So shut up."

Great Wall of Chino Completed

-Cardio Vasquez, VV staff Mexicologist

In a surprise conciliatory gesture, the White House announced that the US will disband the Border Patrol Agency and allow citizens to travel freely between the American-Mexican border. "Immigrants will no longer be prosecuted as felons, but instead be welcomed with open arms," stated James Chase, leader of The Minute Men division of the INS. "However, for insurance reasons, scaling or tunneling beneath the Great Wall of Chino is prohibited, and remains a felony. The newly formed Great Wall of Friendship Administration has beefed up security, and Wall Patrol Agents are fully authorized to shoot offenders surviving the 10,000 amp razor wire at the top of the wall on sight. This is purely a cost-benefit procedure, to save the American taxpayer by keeping insurance premiums on the Wall as low as possible." Plans for installing a door in the Wall have stalled, with congress divided on whether to go with the standard 36" Dutch model backed by Republicans, or the more liberal, pair-of-French doors proposed by the Democrats. VP Dick Cheney was away at a secure, undisclosed location and unable to cast the deciding vote, so it appears that the issue will remain undecided until Congress is back in session from summer break.

Newman Backs Image Rights Bill

(BBC) "Actor Paul Newman has joined calls for the legislature in Connecticut to pass a law protecting image rights." read on...

The Cajun Prisoner

-kb, VV staff Disgruntled Editor

Neil Bush, brother of the President, and CEO of Ignite!, an educational software enterprise, has seen a virtual windfall in Hurricane Katrina. Neil's mother, Barbara Bush, a chief investor and board member of Ignite!, has "donated" an undisclosed sum to the Bush-Clinton Katrina Fund, in a scam now known as "The Cajun Prisoner." Unlike "The Prisoner of Silverado" scam, in which Neil conned retirees into investing in worthless stocks & bonds, leaving the taxpayer holding the $1.3 billion bag, "The Cajun Prisoner" works like this: The scammer "donates" to his own charity, stipulating the "donation" be spent on purchasing the scammer's own product. The donation is fully tax deductable. The scammer's floundering company then reports huge earnings, artificially inflating its value. Barb and Neil then award themselves hefty severance packages, accept competitive bonuses, and reap handsome profits from the sale of Ignite! at its falsely-inflated value to Croney Investments Inc., a taxpayer subsidized, for-profit intermediary. When Ignite! then quickly goes belly-up, Croney Investments Inc., will be fully reimbursed by the taxpayer via Small Business Administration underwriting, after paying its board hefty salaries and bonuses, leaving small investors to take it up with their Congressman, Senator Croney.

Read all about Neil Bush here, and bask in the truly superior breeding that makes the Bush Monarchy a National Treasure to continue both aspiring and tithing to.

List of financiers, other than Bushco, Inc., here.

Vice Voices Garners Bi-Partisan Support

-Stephen Hawkins, VV staff Cryogenic Correspondent

Ex-President Richard M. Nixon, who'd resigned in disgrace in 1974 to avoid impeachment over the notorious Watergate Hotel burglary of a Democratic campaign headquarters, emerged from his cryogenic chamber today for a brief show of support for the critical work the staff of Vice Voices are endeavoring tirelessly to fulfill. The Ex-President stood at the doorway of his chamber just long enough to stiffly wave the universal Vice Voices hand sign, before he had to demerge back inside or risk fully thawing. Fully thawing would have meant Mr. Nixon would have been unable to be refrozen, as top scientists and gourmet chefs agree, one cannot refreeze meat.

Pashcroft's Grand Entrance

-Woody N. Bernstein - VV staff Washington Insider

Demonstrating his resolve to approach his new position with passion, Former Attorney General, John Ashcroft parked two blocks from his new Greenberg Taureg office, and walked the rest in a catsup-stained, Motel 6, terry bathrobe this morning, toting a large, styrofoam replica of the "t" in "Cristco(r)," discretely persecuted by two unknown gay men.

Once inside, Mr. Ashcroft anointed himself with Cristco(r) Anointing Oil, and passed out the lyrics to "Let the Weasel Score," a hymn he'd composed the night before as inspiration for his new staff. It took a couple of verses for the crew to get the melody, but with Mr. Ashcroft's vigorous prompting, they did eventually raise a rousing finale, holding the final word of the ballad's title, "Score," for a record 420 seconds.

To hear the Ex-Attorney General perform his poignant vocal styling of his original, click here.

Former Atty General to Replace Abramoff

-Woody N. Bernstein, VV staff Washington Correspondent

Former Attorney General, John Ashcroft, has replaced Jack Abramoff with the firm, Greenberg Taurig. "It was fortunate and providential, as we have the same initials, I didn't even have to have the door to my new office repainted," said Mr. Ashcroft during a press conference yesterday. He went on to announce that, building on past relationships, (see the third paragraph), his first client is Cristco (r) Anointing Oil. He then passed out the above flier to the attending officials.

New Line of "Uncle Sam Wants You" Products

Ivana Goshoppin, VV staff Fashion Consultant

UnkaSam's above and similarly sentimented "Uncle Sam, I Want You..." Spring Line of apparrel and accesories has been unveiled, and is now available to the general public @ UnkaSam Get yours today!

2012 Winter Olympics to be Held On Moon

-Chuck Copernicus, VV staff Sports/Science Writer

With a rare partnering of the public and private sectors, (The White House, NASA, HUD, KB Homes, PTL Club Inc., Disney Corp., MacDonalds Corp., Bechtel, Halliburton and Dubai Ports World Inc.), the US is taking the lead in proposals for the 2012 Winter Olympics, slated to be held on the moon.

Bidding for the broadcast rights for what's predicted to be the largest viewing audience in sports history, has begun, with Al Jazeera surprisingly leading the pack, followed closely by Comedy Central, The Cartoon Network and ESPN, respectively. Citing diminishing ad revenues due to the increasing competition from cable networks, ABC sports has dropped out of the bidding.

It's expected that many visitors to the games will "like it up there," and decide to stay on. "This is the dawning of a new age in space," said Dr. Albert Feinstein of NASA. "Where we go from here depends on home-sales and the success of small business, with this, our first small step in colonization," he added.

Ref-1

Sunday Morning Links

Arab-American Psychologist, Wafa Sultan on secularism and fundamentalism
HT-KL

concise history of Bushco infractions-posted Friday, March 17

amazing WWII photos at the National Archive

Excellent essay on "Patriotism" vs. "Nationalism"

President "Can't Get Fooled Again"

-Megan Stuffup, VV staff Political Commentator

In an ironic twist on the "Emperor's New Clothes" fable, President Bush met with famous French fashion designer, Rene Matisse in Paris today, where he was fitted with a uniform made of the latest in today's fabric technology, "Regalia," which turned out to be a wholly fictional fabric. "Them Frenchies had me goin'!" exclaimed the President. "All ooh-in' and ahh-in' over how fine I looked, in their fabric of lies and deceit!"
he uttered. "But, fool me once, uh, er... can't be fooled... can't get fooled again! Can't fool me again!" Adding insult to injury, the President, having realized he'd been had while leading a parade of disbelieving servicemen through the streets of Paris (shown above), tried to make a dignified retreat through a locked gate, only to suffer a minor bruised groin in a mishap with the ornate wrought-iron handle. Blood was spilled, and the US is expected to call for retaliatory sanctions against the uncivil, indecent, Franco-pranksters.

Cruise and Hayes Flee Southpark

-Ren Hoex, VV staff Entertainment News Analyst

In a bold move, Isaac Hayes has enlisted with Tom Cruise to battle the media behemoth, Comedy Central Studios. The pair, united under their shared faith, "Scientology," fled Southpark in a daring daylight escape yesterday afternoon. Like David and Goliath, the two returned today to wage battle #2, a tactical response to Comedy Central's flagship, "Southpark's" shock-and-awe first-stike episode, "Trapped in a Closet," which portrayed Cruise as a closet homosexual, and Scientology as just another Charlatan, "writhin' and tithin'," organized, pseudo-religion scam. The pair have announced they are "peed," and they're "not going to take it!" The antagonists in this war, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, were bruised in the melee of slamming flip-phones, but managed to retreat to their underground bunker within the Comedy Central Compound, exclaiming, "The Southpark will rise again!"

The war is on! Will it be a swift and clearly defined victory? Or, will it be an indefinite, ill-conceived, "Long War?" And, what will be the cost?

RNC Concerned Over Plummeting War Chest

-Woody N. Bernstein, VV staff Washington Correspondent

Belying obvious concern over what was once the much ballyhooed Republican war chest, Republican candidate, Katherine Harris announced that her campaign's projections have been revised downward. Citing the sagging economy, flat response on the part of the public, and rapidly drooping support for the body of Congress, Harris compared her current war chest, which was once desribed as "mountainous," to a "mudslide." Offering "a couple of pointers," she went on to state that the party must address the contributors on two fronts, the "public and private sectors," to lift and separate itself back up and bolster its once proud position. "It's time to come together in firm bi-partisan support, and halter this cleaving of the party," she declared. "We must keep abreast of the times and regain control of this staggering deflation," she went on. In a surprise show of generosity, she capped her speech by announcing, "Anybody hungry? The flap-jacks are on me!"

Links du jour

amazing juggling

Results of Edward R. Murrow contest

2004 Election Theft Confession

-Megan Stuffup, VV staff Political Correspondent

In a surprise press conference held yesterday, former H&HS/domestic policy advisor, Claude Allen announced that neither President Bush nor Karl Rove nor Diebold Voting Systems (tm) had anything to do with the theft of the presidential election in 2004. "It was all my idea, I did it all by myself!" proclaimed Allen, who resigned his post for a more lucrative position as a consultant at K-Street, Inc. The independent, blue-ribbon subcommittee investigating the allegations of voter fraud announced that it will prosecute Allen, but that the charges have been pled down to misdemeanor shoplifting.

Hells Angels Sue Disney

-Varmint, VV staff Motorsports Reporter

The association of fun-loving motorsports enthusiasts known as the "Hells Angels" has sued Walt Disney Corp. for illegal use of their name, catch-phrase, "Hog," and trademarked logo, a skull with a feathered wing helmet. "Heck Bonehead," (Disney's 'working' name for the character), was slated to debut in the House of Mouse's new film, "Heck's Angels." In the film, Mickey, Donald and Pluto decide to form a rebel motorcycle gang, and set out on Rte. 66 to "raise heck," only to run into Heck Bonehead and his friends, "Hecks Angels," resulting in wacky hijinks the whole family can enjoy. Though the feature is still in production, Disney began running promotional ads featuring the lovable new character, and debuted the new motorcycle thrill ride, "Wild Hogz," in their Anaheim theme park. Despite the motorcycle club's having legally trademarked the club name, the term "Hog," and the skull character the required "six ways to Sunday," Disney claims any similarities between their character, the thrill ride, and the fictional "Heck's Angels," is purely coincidental, therefore the club's lawsuit is "baseless and wholly without merit."

Deadly Koi Herpes Adds to Bird Flu Concern

-Dr. Neil Sporin, VV staff Medical Correspondent

"Mad Cow, Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Monkey Mumps, what next?" you ask.
The Centers for Disease Control has announced an outbreak of Koi Herpes Symplex II on North America's west coast. " That we'd have to move to orange alert," said Dr. Chaim Knotts-Lyon of the CDC, "considering how the disease is spread... well, we're really quite surprised." Identified as a source of the outbreak, Golden State Koi and Water Gardens is the defendant in a case filed in an Alameda, Ca court. The plaintiff, Sailor Moon, alleges the defendants failed to warn her that the fish (shown above) was infected with the communicable disease. Ms. Moon is suing for lost wages, in that she's had to "kiss goodbye" her job with the popular animated series named for her. She also claims emotional distress, charging that because of the "grossness" of her lower lip, her love, Sailor Pluto, has broken up with her to go with Sailor Mars instead.

Bush Creates Broad New Security Entity

Addressing the Nation's Homeland Security needs, regarding the unification of information gathered by the separate intelligence and law enforcement agancies operating under the federal government's perview, President George "Dubya" Bush today announced the formation of a single agency to forever solve the nation's security needs. Party Member Jebediah Bush has been nominated as the Security Czar of the "Kinder Gentler Bureau" (K.G.B.), so named in honor of the President's father, former President George Herbert Dubya Bush. That the nomination must still pass Congressional approval, Vice President Dickard Cheney quipped, "We expect an up-or-down vote on this immediately, as this nominee deserves. We expect the nomination to pass with 100% approval, thanks to the new Diebold voting machines installed in Congress last week"

Neo Kon Tiki Party

-Bob Frapples, VV staff Party Guide

The annual Neo Kon Tiki party - It was a blast!

Condi's Comedy Condo

-Dr. Condoleezer Reese, VV weekly staff Humor Contributor

"What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?
The flavor!"

"What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho Cheese!"

"When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?"

"If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?"

Ba-dom-bomb!

Okay, gotta run! Caio! See you next week!

-CR

Black Holes Passe!

-Dr. Ivana Goshopin, VV staff Astronomy Fashion Analyst

"Light Blue with Multi-Colored Energy Field Hole" discovered in space!

Science unveiled "the new black" for this spring, in its latest collection from designer Yves St. Hubble, at yesterday's Annual Universal Fashion convention in Houston, Tx. "Black Holes are so 20th Century," said Dr. St. Hubble "Today's holes come in fresh, bright colors, to celebrate Spring and the feeling of hope. I give you... The Blue Hole!" St. Hubble said, to a roar of Fashionable Astronomer applause.

On a more dour note, this particular Light Blue with Multi-Colored Energy Field Hole was photographed by little Timmy Briers, of Jackson Hole, New Jersey, with a Hubble (tm) binocu-Cam (r), from his back yard. Science has since confirmed that this particular cosmic structure is crustacean in biology; lean, hungry, unstoppable, and headed straight for Timmy's back yard in Jackson Hole, New Jersey. Fortunately for the rest of us, it is headed straight for Jackson Hole, New Jersey, a suburb of Newark, and thus is not expected to survive its first taste of Earth.

Unwritten Rules Written at Last!

-Chip Estrada, VV staff Travel Guide.

Having had my commute quadruple due to a recent office relocation, it's come to my attention that my fellow travelers are in need of a friendly reminder of the Code of the Road, especially in regard to the appropriate speeds per given lanes.

The basic rule is: The left lane is the "fast lane." Whatever lane you are in, you should be going faster than motorists in the lane to your right. Not just "as fast." If you're only going as fast as motorists to your right, you have found your lane-mates, signal and join them in that lane.

Lane 1 (as shown above): "The Fast Lane." The speed limit in this lane is "at least as fast as the motorist ahead of you." If the driver ahead of you is going too fast for you, you should immediately move over to the lane to your right. If the motorists in this lane are still traveling too fast for you, move over to the right again. Continue moving to the right until nobody is following you at a distance only measurable in inches (or centimeters, as the case may be). Pull over to the shoulder, if necessary, and let the sane people pass. The minimum speed limit for Lane 1 is the posted speed limit, plus 10. (Unlike it's widely believed, the posted numerical value is a "minimum" speed limit, and more of a "guideline" than a "rule").

Lane 4 (as shown above): This lane is for getting to your exit. This lane is where motorists slow down to the posted guideline in order to exit safely. And, it's for old ladies, (excepting my own Ma, very fondly aka: "the ol' bat outa hell"), the generally addled and confused, and possibly you, if you feel restricted to traveling at the posted numeric guideline.

Proper following distance: One car-length, no matter the speed. More than one car-length means: more than one car will cut in front of you, and those behind you. Your first loyalty is to those behind you, your lane-mates, not the assholes in the other lanes. You never know who is going to cut in front of you, it could be "Car-Length Man," who lets everybody on the effin' road in front of him. This is unfair to you and your lane-mates, don't stand for it! Close that gap!

Commuting on the freeway is exactly like waiting in line. You wouldn't let anybody cut in front of you in McDonalds, why allow it on the road?

Turn signals: These are used to indicate your intent to change lanes. Changing lanes can mean turning right or left, but it applies to any departure from the lane you are currently traveling in. Signalling for a lane-change does NOT require motorists in the space you intend to occupy to make room for you; you find your spot and get while the gettin's good. The guideline is to turn the signal on appx 100' feet ahead of your expected lane change. After you have made your lane change, turn the signal off, immediately. Not 10 miles later.

Motorcycles: We'll be out of your way in no time. Don't worry about us.

Cell-phones. Most of you can't walk and talk, let alone drive and talk. Hang up and drive. It's the law. Severe penalties apply: If you hit me while you're talking on the cell-phone, and I can walk away from it, I won't. I will walk to your vehicle, yank you from it, and beat you severely.

Rules may vary, check the rules in your area, and happy motoring!

-CE

Rebublicans Reach Out Across the Aisle

In surprise conciliatory gesture, Senate Republicans gifted Senate Democrats with Diebold voting machines last week. The machines were installed in the desks on the left of the aisle over the weekend, by Diebold staff, at no cost to the taxpayer. "The system of 'ayes and nays' is quaint and out-dated," said Sen. Bill Frist (R-Tenn). "We want our esteemed colleagues to feel appreciated and at the forefront of today's technology," he continued, beaming happily. Sen. Joe Leiberman spoke for the Democrats, saying, "I want to thank Senator Frist for this show of bi-partisan generosity, and I know I speak for my party in saying so." When asked why the machines were not installed on both sides of the aisle, Senator Frist replied, "They're always going on about how they're so 'progressive,' but we're old-fashioned conservatives, we like doing things the old-fashioned way."

In the first vote utilizing the new technology, the Frist-Lott "Relief for the Most Productive" tax reform bill, which permanently removes households earning an excess of $250k/yr., and/or with a net worth exceeding $10 million, from the tax rolls, as well as eliminates the "death tax," and taxes on capitol gains exceeding $100k, as well as all corporate taxes on Fortune 500 companies, passed the floor with a sweeping 100% favoring the bill. Citing fiscal responsibilty, the senate did announce that the $3oo rebate checks received by taxpayers in 2001 would be recalled, and interest on the "loans" would be charged at the legal usury of 18%/mo.

Adopt-a-Highway

"Right to Bear Bombs" Case Ruling

The Supreme Court ruled today on the NBA's (National Bomb Association) controversial 2nd ammendment "right to bear bombs" case. In a split decision, the high court held that the people's right to bear bombs is inviolate. In a move to comform to the court's ruling, and utilizing the precident set in "protest zones" established during the Presidential and G8 summit meetings of early this millenium, states have begun setting up "Terror Zones," wherein bombers are restricted in exercising their 2nd ammendment rights.

Rove To Resign?

Rumors on Capitol Hill have it that Karl Rove is about to resign. The consensus is that it's the growing difficulty in getting a good smear to stick, with the growing number of bloggers jumping all over a meme as soon as it's out, before it can gain traction. "It used to be that you could say whatever you wanted, and before the media caught on, you were on to your next thing," said a capitol insider who wished to remain anonymous, "Nowadays your story's blown within hours. Look at 'the criminalization of politics' for example. All the usual gang was up putting it out, and bang!, the blogs immediately had them all together, spouting the the same line, and looking like a bunch of shmoes. It's that damn internet. And that damn Daily Show."

Rumor further has it that Mr. Rove, shown here performing his extraordinary rendition of Pigliocci's "Babe," is in negotiations to become "The Fourth Tenor."